The Future

The Future

So this will be a little bit of a free flow of thought. I’m not sure that there will be any point to it. College has been good to me so far. I really enjoy my campus and the teachers and staff have been more than helpful. I’ve also been making friends this semester and been going to a few school get-togethers. It’s been a good time. I had been a better experience than I could have ever expected.

The one thing that worries me now, is if I want to go back.

I don’t know if I want to do another semester. I honestly have no idea what I want for a Major or what I want to get into. I have this feeling inside that makes me afraid of what will happen. What if I’m at school for the rest on my life without ever knowing what I want to do in life.

Then there’s another fear that all the money saved for school will run out and I’ll just have to live under a bridge somewhere. I’ve even started giving people money on the street in case I become one of them. You know, what goes around, comes around. I just hope that someone would do the same for me when I end up on the corner island by the mall.

I’ve been afraid about this coming summer. Looking a job is terrifying me. It’s yet another thing on my mind. I fear not being able to find a job and not being able to save up money.

As the oldest in the family without a father, I have large amounts of stress to take care of my family. My brother isn’t in the best place right now and I need to be the older sibling and to be an example for him. Then there is my mother. She’s getting on in years and as the oldest, it will be my responsibility to take care of her. I know my brother won’t be in that position any time soon. So it will be up to me. In order to do that, I need a job or a career. And to do that, I’ll need to graduate college. And in order to graduate, I need to know what I want for a Major.

So yeah, this is getting very stressful. Stressed enough to get myself sick. Now that is really starting to worry me. I’ve had no energy this weekend to get any work done. I’ve been sleeping constantly all weekend.

I worry too much.

I’ve been told that. But I don’t know how to stop. One thought leads to another and soon, I’m drowning in worry and panic. Sure I play the roles I’m expected to play as to not go completely crazy and to give the appearance that everything is fine, but it isn’t. And I don’t know how to fix it.

I guess that’s all I have to say. It feels good to be able to let out these thoughts somewhere. I’ve been too sick to come up with a more flowing journal this week and I’m very sorry. I’ll do better next week. I promise.

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3 Responses to The Future

  1. Carleen says:

    Just read this entry. (Things were pretty crazy the day this landed in my Inbox, so I didn’t have a chance to read it that day. I didn’t delete it b/c I wanted to come back to it when things calmed down a bit.) That’s a really heavy burden to carry, Aplabw. I can’t even begin to imagine the stress this must cause you!

    You know, when I have felt burdened by various concerns, I have found tremendous comfort in taking my worries and fears to God and asking Him to help me deal with life. It’s the only way that I have found peace and joy in the midst of difficult circumstances. Just knowing that God wants the very best for me and is able to work good in my life has brought me much hope. (Btw, this is just as true in your life as it is in mine.) He’s the only One who can truly help us; and He is the only One who will never leave us. He is faithful – all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sarah Abigail says:

    Thanks for sharing how you’re doing. I’m sorry I didn’t see this earlier. And sorry to hear you’ve been worried sick. I hope you are feeling better lately.

    Most people have multiple career changes in their lives, some may even go back for more school at various times throughout their lives. So if you don’t find THE career in college, you are not alone. Choose one of the things that you’re interested in and that has reasonable employment prospects, and go for it. Along the way you’ll get to know yourself and refine your interests. Stay in school! That college degree is your ticket to all kinds of opportunities, regardless of your choice of major. The college degree does not bind you to doing that one thing for the rest of your life.

    You have a support team that cares for you. It’s OK to step out and take a chance. Proud of you for having a good semester!

    Liked by 1 person

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