The Warped Mirror
Here’s the thing. I really hate the way I look. Ok, maybe hate is a strong word but I strongly dislike my physical appearance. I’m a little on the heavy side, got a bit of a gut. I have what you call ‘thunder thighs’ and a few stretchmarks. I’ve got a little bit of a double chin, nappy hair and I haven’t looked at the number on a scale in about five years. So yeah, not a big fan of myself.
The ideal ‘me’ is fit and thin with manageable hair with a confident attitude who is also the life of the party. I used to be like this and the worst part is I can point to the exact moment when it all fell apart.
My first year in high school.
High school receives a rap for traumatizing the youth of today and I guess I’m one of those poor kids.
I had such high expectations for myself entering high school. It was the first step to the rest of my life. As the first born in my family I had unspoken responsibilities. I drove myself to get ‘A’s in all my classes, graduate, go to college, get a career, earn a lot of money in order to take care of the rest of my family. Yeah. All that was in the mind of a freshman student.
I got migraines on a regular basis. I got panic attacks and insomnia and was overall stressed out. That was when my weight gradually ballooned. I didn’t even realize it was happening. There was no time to pay attention to myself. I had my whole life to plan out. And by the time I looked up, I hated the way I looked.
Now keep in mind, my mother never once said that she expected me to be a doctor or a lawyer. All this stress was self-inflicted.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who doesn’t like the way they look. I’m also sure I’m not the only one who has dieted and exercised and even starved themselves in order to get any results. To get any closer to an image that they can be proud of.
I feel you.
It sucks. I wish I could tell you that it gets better but I’m in the middle of it with you. We just need to take it one day at a time. Some days I find myself liking my eyes, or my hair, or the outfit I’m wearing. We just have to take those moments in stride. Hopefully, one day we can walk down the street with our heads held high and proud of who we are, no matter what shape we are.
I don’t know if I can completely change the way I feel. There are good days and not so good days. But I hope that I, along with all of you, will slowly learn to love ourselves one day at a time. Try looking in the mirror and finding one thing you like. Together we can held each other though the not do good days.